Re-evaluating

Man oh man. Life really has been crazy lately. It’s had some ups and some downs…and some SERIOUS downs, but I haven’t allowed myself to blog about any of them. Really, because I feel terrible for you, readers. Lately, my blog has become nothing but a place for me to complain about my minuscule problems…ones that you don’t care about, and frankly, I just need to get over.

And that’s now what I’m trying to do. As I look back on these last few weeks I can only think about my lows. Mostly because they took up my whole days.

Most of them, unsurprising to probably all of you, is in regards to my weight and efforts surrounding it. I started up with the 21 Day Fix for the second time, telling myself that I would be serious about it, and not cheat as much as I did last time around, even if my cheats were healthy ones. This time around, I upped my workouts to twice a day for two weeks and ate better than the last time around, even though it wasn’t perfect. Maybe I was lying to myself, or maybe I was making bad choices, but I stepped on the scale on the final day, and actually weighed more than when I started.

Wow. That’s all I thought to myself. 3 weeks of trying, to get nothing, or at least it felt like it. After I stepped off the scale, I snapped my “after” pictures in the mirror, which I’m not supplying here because they involve me not wearing pants. I looked at this round of pictures and felt a little better. The quality of the pictures weren’t great, but I could see a bit of a difference, especially in my stomach; the place I dread most and is the hardest for me to control.

Just then, I made a promise to myself. I am done weighing myself every day and obsessing over the number I see. As nervous as I am for this decision, I’m going to do it, allowing myself to weigh-in once every two weeks, at maximum. I’m nervous for this promise because it removes my accountability, which is what I discovered was the most helpful over a year ago when I started this insanely emotional journey.

What I have learned about myself, though, is that I’ve developed healthier habits on my own. I’m done with the 21 Day Fix, and now am training for my 3rd half marathon. I forget to celebrate my wins, and only look at the failures, even if they’re .1 pounds. I’m not quite satisfied with myself yet, but for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel as upset looking at myself in the mirror.

I tried to make another promise to myself; not only when it comes to my weight loss efforts, but in every other aspect of my life. To start celebrating wins again, and not dread on the failures.

Just the other day was a ridiculous low. Looking back on it, it was silly and stupid, but in the moment it crippled me. And I know that sounds dramatic, but that’s what the experience was. I was on the floor, crying. Oh, did I mention I was in my bathroom when all of this happened? If you didn’t think this blog was me as my true, vulnerable, self…then be prepared.

Why was I sitting on my bathroom floor crying harder than I had in over a year? My cat. I was crying over my cat. I had to bring her to the vet and couldn’t get her into the carrier. It took nearly an hour and a panicked phone call to do it, and…oh, a huge, unnecessary mental breakdown. I let that incident ruin my whole day, and stress me out to the point where I left my car unlocked and running on the side of the street.

Lately, I’ve let these little things get to me so drastically that I have flat out over reacted. It’s probably a drastic case of the “twentysomethings” but I’m really getting sick of it. So, much like the scale, I need to step off of it for a while and just let it go. All the little things that feel like big things that ruin my day really shouldn’t ruin me anymore.

So, I’m going to try to loosen up and pull back. I have no idea how well it’ll work, but you’ll be with me as I try.

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