I remember buying a sweater back in high school. I liked it when I tried it on in the fitting room, but it was a little tight around my stomach, and made me feel self-conscious. I bought it anyway, in two colors, thinking that, as I often did (and still do), that someday I wouldn’t feel self conscious in it. Someday I would be thin and the sweaters would fit me the way I wanted them to.
I would put the sweater on sometimes, look at myself in the mirror, and go right to my stomach. I hated the way I felt in it, and would change my outfit. I hardly ever wore the sweater.
Down the road, I bought one of those tummy-tucker-inner things. Guys, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Ladies, you may. It was a tight elastic tube that I squeezed myself into so that my stomach fat would be distributed all around me, instead of bulging out. It would make me look thinner, but not by much, and it hurt to wear. I wore it under the sweater, and other clothes, and felt satisfied.
Every time I cleaned out my closet to make donations of the pieces I didn’t wear anymore, I would run across those sweaters. I never donated them. I don’t know why, but I never did. I thought that maybe someday I would want to wear them and feel good about it. And, I could always cheat my way into looking a little better in those sweaters, if I wanted.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I noticed that I still had those sweaters. I wore it today. It was too big. The neck was falling off my shoulders, the sleeves weren’t tight around my arms at all, and there was too much fabric in the middle.
Those sweaters never fit me just right, but I guess that’s ok.