I Can’t Get No…

Sometimes, I go into what I call a spiral.

It’s deadly. Generally it starts with a really strong negative emotion. Something will set me off and make me angry, or I’ll get incredibly depressed and sad. How I handle it is the tipping point. That sentence nearly read, “how I choose to handle it is the tipping point,” but it’s hardly a decision. I don’t actively decide to handle a highly emotional situation in such a way that I’ll go into my spiral, sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn’t.

It always ends in me getting in my own head about body image, my weight, etc etc.

I call it a spiral because, like many of us, I look to food for comfort. I get angry at myself for being overweight, eat, get more disappointed, gain weight, eat….you get it.

I cry a lot, I mope a lot, and to anyone who has ever dealt with me in this state, I truly thank you. I hardly deserve friendship like that.

I write about my spirals because one just happened. I was triggered by something small and meaningless, and suddenly I’m crying on my couch, hating myself for a .2 lb weight gain today. Then I thought about what I was crying about. I realized that I’m so frustrated because I don’t know what I want.

I’m too hard on myself in most all aspects of my life, especially my body. I don’t celebrate my success, I only over exaggerate my failures. More importantly, I don’t have a goal. It’s not a weight, a measurement, or anything. I’m setting myself up to fail.

Until I can establish a goal, I’ll continue to spiral. I’ll figure it out eventually.

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